Second Homes and Jeremy Vine -
Isle of Thanet Gazette 4th August 2006
We all have our small ambitions: one of mine is to go on the Jeremy Vine Show. Ideally, of course, this would be as a main guest, whisked to the studio by chauffeur to address a gripped nation (to this end I have furnished the relevant researcher with a full list of my areas of expertise - strangely they haven't called yet) but a phone-in spot would suffice, should the right subject present itself. We are talking some weighty topic on which I could demonstrate my flair for eloquent, erudite and witty observation on the issues of the day (and get a couple of book plugs in). The magic moment came last Friday, when, driving back from Wales, I heard the good Jeremy introduce a journalist called something like George Mombier (I'm not entirely sure of this spelling) who was proposing that nobody should own a second home, since it was Londoners in their weekend cottages who were ruining the environment, and who, according to George, were entirely responsible for the lack of available housing and levels of homelessness in this country. I wasn't initially that excited - an admiral level of concern for the less fortunate, Georgie boy, I thought, but a rather tenuous grip on reality. (How many homeless people could afford a £200,000 cottage in the Cotswolds?) So I was only half listening to the usual dreary protests from the "I-pay-my-taxes-and-I'll-do-what-I-want" lot when on came one Clive Aslet, Editor of Country Life Magazine, who has a holiday home in guess where - Ramsgate! - and things began to liven up. George thought Clive selfish taking a home from the needy while Clive, who also pays his taxes said there wasn't a shortage of housing in Ramsgate anyway. Oh yes there is, declared George. How could they not put me through next? Columnist on the local paper, owner of property in Ramsgate (rented out no less), author of hilarious book on same and possessor of the real facts and figures. Namely that the last time a count of the homeless was made, only two were found in the whole of Thanet. This is two too many, as I wrote at the time, but my understanding was that mental health issues and a need for help with the benefits system were at the root of this situation rather than Clive having snapped up the last vacant property in town. I practised a knowing tone as I waited for the telephone number to be given out. Ten minutes later I was still waiting. I was now word-perfect, fully prepared with descriptions of windows full of flats to let and the need for Weekenders to boost the local economy. What do you say to that, hey George? The traffic even came to an obliging halt on the M25 affording me the perfect opportunity to hold forth without losing the signal or driving into the lorry in front. Still no number. For the next forty-five minutes Mr Vine cheerily invited us to phone, text or email without any contact details whatsoever. What's the number then, I shrieked periodically, getting increasingly fractious as time marched on, other less worthy callers were boringly repetitive and my fifty seconds of fame slipped through my fingers. Back home and much too late, I found the elusive digits - to be tattooed on my arm for future reference - via the Beeb website. Share your views, it offered. Chance would be a fine thing...